Written by Mom Babble's Jennifer
Growing up in Alabama, you learn pretty quickly to recognize the signs of a born-and-bred Southern Belle: the art of the thank you note, the craft of the perfect party, the skill of impeccable manners. I’d love to say that those are things I love most about a good Southern lady, but they’re not.
No, the things that I find most entertaining about a strong Southern woman are a little less proper and, honestly, much harder to accomplish.
The art of the cold shoulder. Ever been ignored by a Southern lady in an all-out temper tantrum? She can turn the sultry summer days of Alabama into something resembling the Arctic Circle simply by raising a delicate (perfectly waxed) eyebrow in your direction, and then turning and walking away. Ah, the bitter chill of dismissal.
The sugar-coated Silent Insult. When this woman wants to say something that is less-than-positive, she falls back on the advice of her mama: “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” You know you’re being insulted when her vocal chords fall silent and the glare of that 1000-watt perfectly-straight-toothed-grin turns to full blast.
The craft of the consummate wardrobe. This has taken years to perfect, and the Southern lady wears it well. She has an impeccable outfit— including shoes, accessories, and of course, hair and makeup— for every occasion. She is flawless at funerals, and even manages to look better than the bride…all without appearing to ever lift a single perfectly-manicured finger.
The Sailor’s mouth (and liver). You may be surprised to hear the words that drop out of a Southern woman’s mouth on a Saturday night, lubricated as they are by beer and whiskey. Don’t challenge her to pool or beer pong: her big brother taught her how to win at drinking games not long after her daddy taught her to drive a stick. She can make a Sailor blush and then drink him under the table all the while graciously accepting his offer to finance the entire evening. A lady never pays for her own drinks.
The unimpeachable Saturday-to-Sunday transition. Come Sunday morning, Ms. Southern Lady sits piously in her church pew with her conservatively-attired husband and perfectly coiffed children. She’s so ideal for this role that you’d never guess her Saturday night had been spent in painted-on blue jeans, stiletto-heeled boots, and a sparkly tank top (see above) while she danced with a beer in her hand, a baby on her hip, and a husband yelling obscenities at the Crimson Tide in the background.
The South may be full of propriety and manners, but anyone worth their salt can fake a gracious thank-you note for a set of kitchen towels. No, the real challenge in fitting in lies in what the Southern lady does when her pastor isn’t looking.
That’s when the fun starts.
This post has been edited from an original on MrsMuffinTop.