16 Hilarious Date Night Horror Stories
Have you ever had a date so bad it was scary? A romantic encounter so terrible that you heard the Michael Myers soundtrack playing in your head? Well, these ladies have. So grab your popcorn, mamas, because today’s fabulous guest bloggers have given Mom Babble a front row seat… and their Date Night Horror Stories are totally worthy of Friday the 13th.
This Date Bites– Melissa Charles of Not a Stepford Life
My worst date was in college. Blind date, set up by ‘friends’. I say ‘friends’ because I suspected how much they actually liked me after that. This guy walks in to the restaurant and launches into telling me about his schizophrenic mother, his traumatic home life, and the denture plate of his now-dead father which he carries around in his pocket for luck. Yes, he did take it out and show it me.
I guess he thought it brought him loads luck of because then he added, “Nice boobs, by the way.” I got up and left.
Dancing Queen/FaceTime Scream – Alison Chrun of Appetite for Honesty
Picture this: a husband and wife (with 2 kids ) out on the town for a night of freedom. We’re boozin’ it up hard, dancing like we own the night. Then, at God Awful o’clock, a FaceTime call comes in. At the club. From our six year old. The over-emotional mother (me) answers to the cries of a boy who wants his parents to pick him up from his grandmother’s house and take him home. The next thing we know we’re in a taxi, too intoxicated to drive our kids home, resulting in us crashing the only queen bed left in my mother-in-law’s house. We went to sleep that night with our son sleeping peacefully between us; icing us like a champ. The massive hangover was totally (NOT) worth it.
Trust Your Instincts – Alexandra Rosas of Good Day Regular People
My college friend, Christine, and I both waitressed at a campus beer-n-burger place. Christine felt that her friend, What’shisname, was “the greatest guy but just kind of pudgy.” I should have trusted my instincts when she described him as “but pudgy.” It wasn’t the pudgy that set my alarm off, it was the “but”. Whenever someone qualifies someone, it’s not a good thing. Anyway, we go on this blind date and he lets me know immediately at first sight that “I” am not his type, “not enough up front” for him. Later, he tells Christine he didn’t understand why I said no to a second date — even after his thoughtful comment to me at night’s end of how he’s “not into skinny girls, but you’re funny, so I’ll try.”
The One…and DONE – Jennifer Pitt of Mommies Drink
When he showed up an hour late, he handed me a half-empty bottle of red wine and proceeded to relieve himself with the door open, while emitting a very loud sigh of ‘relief’.
On the way to dinner, he talked about how serious we could get, and how he already felt like he knew me.
We were meeting mutual friends after dinner at a club. Upon entering, he planted his arm around my shoulder, kissed the top of my head, and told my how certain he was that I was The One. He hoped I felt the same.
I begged off feigning a headache and took the train home, only to receive an opened bottle of Tylenol with two pills in it in the mail a week later.
The Five Armed Man – Carrie Wible of Carrie Lou
The worst date I ever had was my Junior Prom. My boyfriend couldn’t make it home from college, so I went with a guy who asked. Prom Date proceeds to sprout one hand after another on the dance floor. I don’t know how but I’m positive I had a hand on my waist, shoulder, and both butt cheeks. Once he started trying to grind on me, I spent the next 30 minutes hiding in a bathroom stall with my best friend.
We had plans for the next day, but I made my Dad tell Prom Date I was sick because there was no freakin’ way I was going to an amusement park with this guy.
The Farmer and the Fail– Crystal Ponti of MommiFried
I once met a guy on a dating site and after talking on the phone for a month or so, we decided to make it official and go on a real date at a nice restaurant. Immediately, the red flags went off when I noticed he was still dressed in work clothes. His day job? Farmer. That’s all well and good, but we are talking a dinner date! Not only did he look like poo — he smelled liked it! It only went downhill from there, including a trip to Walmart for nails and an attempt at a good night kiss which I dodged like a boxer. Weeks later, my jacket had yet to lose that newly-acquired cattle scent.
Jump the Gun – Val Curtis of BonBon Break
In college, I was set up on a blind date. The guy “had a lot of energy” to say the least. After a group dinner, we were headed to a party and he started being a punk to a car next to us. The driver in that car then SHOT the back window in our car. Date over.
The Date that Coded – C. Lee Reed of Helicopter Mom and Just Plane Dad
Before I married Just Plane Dad 22 years ago, I dated a little. I met a man through a mutual friend and we decided to have dinner together. During dinner, the only thing he talked about was how close he was to his mom. No matter how I tried to swing the conversation, it came back to her. In the middle of dinner, he got a phone call (yes at the restaurant-old school style-not on cell) and became distraught. Said that his mom had been taken to the hospital and he had to leave right then. He had picked me up so I did not have my vehicle and since he was acting so crazy, I told him that I’d drive him to the ER. He ran out of the restaurant, visibly shaken, and got in his car. I was left with the bill. I paid it. I drove him to the hospital. When we arrived, he went in to find her. I was left standing there with his keys and my coat for an hour. No way to reach him.
I finally decided that I’d had enough, explained what happened and left his keys with the nurse’s station. I called a taxi, paid for it and went home. To this day, I’ve never heard from him.
Royal Flush (Down the Toilet)– Heather Johnson of The Food Hussy
You know how red flags just pop up? This guy….He told me his Dad went to prison for murder as he drove me to a casino in his 86 Camero. He then spent the night talking (yes, talking) to the slot machines and bragging about how he never paid taxes “cuz the government ain’t gittin his money!”
On the way back, he stopped for gas and put in $7. WHY WERE WE AT THE CASINO IF HE COULD ONLY AFFORD $7 IN GAS?!
Wheels Off – Kristen Miller of Practical Mommy
I dated a guy once who drove a “vintage” car. On the way home from the date, we took the freeway and it was pouring rain. I had to pee…but decided it could wait. Then, in the middle of the freeway, a wheel FELL OFF the car!
He pulled over to the center of the lane instead of the curb and we had to wait almost an hour for a police car to come and help us.
Moral: Pee before you leave. You never know when the wheels might come off the date. Literally.
Fried Fish and Hair Gel– Kristin Shaw of Two Cannoli
I opened the front door, and he was standing there with his black hair, his purple shirt unbuttoned to the middle of his olive-skinned chest, and his red Fiero still running in the driveway. He looked much different than he did during the day, when I saw him on my delivery route to the RV parts manufacturer where he worked at my summer job.
He picked me up late and didn’t bother coming inside, but gave my mother a half-wave as I opened the door. I lowered myself into his sporty car, which was much too small for his frame, and was taken on a wild joyride, loud with music and machismo. Our date was dinner a local fish house – not a very good one – and he proceeded to drink two pitchers of beer in succession, as I looked on, stunned. For unknown reasons, I let him drive me home.
To this day, 20+ years later, my mother will not let me live down “the young man with the purple shirt” – the cheesiness is much too rich to relegate to the past.
Modest Mouth – Holly Rust of Mothers Guide to Sanity
Right before I met my husband I was set up on a blind date through a friend. I should have run in the other direction when he showed up and mentioned that my shirt was a little tight.
He “preferred his women modest.”
Out of guilt I tortured myself through a dinner that comprised of greasy food and conversation, which included him asking me if I had been with a lot of men. After he so graciously paid the ten dollar bill, he asked if I would buy the cocktails. I took out some cash and prayed to all things holy to let the nightmare end. Walking back to my condo, it started raining. He grabbed my hand and tried to make a romantic moment out of it, dramatic “Hollywood” kiss face and all. I swiftly placed my hand between his face and mine and reminded him he liked his women modest.
Some men – clueless.