8 Reasons Little Girls Make Great FBI Recruits
by Susan Maccarelli
I have a boy and a girl and am often asked how old they are. My answer is “She’s 4, going on 34, and he’s 3 going on 1”.
This accelerated maturity seems to be the case for many of the other little girls I’ve observed.
After careful evaluation of their specific behaviors, I’ve deduced that the FBI and other intelligence agencies may want to start recruiting little girls, in order to take full advantage of their optimal skill sets.
My FBI knowledge of female agents is based on Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs, and the gals of The Heat, so I may not be ready to advise federal personnel teams on recruiting practices just yet.
But read my case, and I think you’ll agree that I’m on to something.
1. Interrogation Skills – Little girls can effectively break another adult during a questioning stand-off using advanced “Why?” and “Why Not?” interrogation techniques. Techniques involving “Because Why?” and “Huh?” are also employed frequently, and with optimal results.
2. Observation Techniques – Little girls are adept at identifying the sound of a pantry door opening from at least 3 rooms away. Even at this distance, they can distinguish the subtle tone differences between a rustling bag of chips and a crinkling pretzel pack being opened, if they even remotely suspect that a sibling may be getting an unfair share.
3. Forensic Science Training – The detection of microscopic bits of spinach disguised in a brownie is just one of the many forensic accomplishments of the little girl. She can also identify a cut so tiny that it is invisible to the naked eye. She is almost always able to evaluate the need for a band-aid for said micro-cut and bring it to the immediate attention of a supervisor (over and over again).
4. Disguises – The little girl is a master of disguises. Princess shoes, cowgirl hats, and oven mitts are just a few of the items at her disposal. She uses these and other accessories to blend into social situations and build her desired persona. While often mistaken for a confused little old lady, she is a future master of disguises and can be easily molded while still young (provided the disguises required are ‘pretty’ and/or ‘sparkly’).
5. Informant Relations – Little girls typically have well-developed skills for identifying useful informants such as younger siblings. They are able to send these informants to retrieve necessary information, and then use that information to build their cases. The little girl also relates well to a variety of informants, as her own frequent tattling enables her to empathize with other rats.
6. Foreign Language Proficiency – Since the standard little girl TV diet includes shows like Dora, Diego, and Kai Lan, they are exposed to a basic introduction of languages such as Spanish and Chinese from a very young age. Points should be deducted for avid Scooby-Doo watchers, who may be easily fooled into always arresting the person with the Transylvanian accent.
7. Pattern Recognition – Little girls can be easily trained to analyze intelligence data to find patterns and trends requiring further investigation, especially if those patterns contain purple diamonds and pink hearts and/or appear on Milli’s dress in Team Umi Zoomi.
8. Law Enforcement Experience – Little girls are typically experienced in making toddler arrests. These come in the form of catching a younger sibling in the act of a heinous crime, such as an infant wielding a marker without a cap or a covert corner poop by a still-in-diapers little brother. She will then lead and present the suspect (along with a long-winded and self-satisfied explanation) to the courts (mom and dad) for sentencing.
I think I’ve made the case for a second look at this untapped army of intelligence resources, but be your own judge. In addition to analysis of the above traits, put your daughter through the paces on physical fitness (extended rough housing with brother), use of weapons (wooden food projectiles, or jump rope used as lasso), and technical prowess (iPad and iPhone operation) to further qualify your own future agents.
About the Author:
Pecked to Death by Chickens is Susan’s humor blog, though occasionally she’ll author a poignant post revealing her soft underbelly (a euphemism AND a literal description). Susan also helps other bloggers get featured on the websites they aspire to, via her blog resource site Beyond Your Blog . Features on BlogHer, Scary Mommy, Mamapedia, and In the Powder Room help feed her attention seeking behavior.